I write about good times. What I’m thankful for in my life. What’s really therapeutic is writing when I’m feeling down. I just let it all out and express myself completely. It’s a form of both prayer and meditation for me. I feel like I get my answers through writing, and I come up with some really creative ideas.
So I peer into my old journals and there is a theme I didn’t realise was occurring in my early 20s until now.
It’s really sad. Because of boredom, I was turning to relationships to fill that void.
Finally, 5 November 2007, I realise this. But, of course, it took years and years to really learn this lesson properly.
There is no way I can continue to depend on relationships with guys to make me happy in life. It’s because I’m bored. That’s the only reason my mind wants to be with someone – cause I need something that stimulates my mind. My life is going to be about work, my part-time modeling, fashion editing and making myself happy and having fun with friends. Watching TV, eating healthy, exercise, enough sleep, planning holidays and fun social events. No more boredom.
Pretty sad that I was doing this, isn’t it? But, a lot of us do this without knowing it. Self-awareness is the best teacher you can have. It can be tough, reflecting on who we are and what we’re doing. It might not look like a nice picture. But, to grow, we need to do it.
I can say now, that I’m definitely not bored. I love my own company, so.damn.much. I have so many hobbies, it’s countless. There is no void to be filled anymore. I am in a relationship that is healthy because we both have our own interests. He actually encourages me to do more of them!
I recall standing on a train, reflecting, and I was thinking about my life, and that there was nothing to complain about. I asked myself a question – what could go wrong? And to my dismay, I opened a Pandora’s box. A Pandora’s box of immense fear. I got my first panic attack. My ears started blocking up. I saw stars and felt like I could not breathe. I crouched down and felt OK again. My breath came back.
From my journal:
I had a fear arising. I had created this negative self-fulfilling prophecy, where, when everything is going right, it’s so perfect, that I start worrying.
And then, I create a problem, when it was never there. It’s like, I can’t be fulfilled if there is no challenge in life if I feel I have achieved everything I’ve wanted.
Right now, honestly, I’m scared. Scared I’ll always feel scared. Scared I’ll always have fear. Scared that I won’t look forward to achieving big goals. Scared that I’ll become so happy, that I won’t be inspired to be happier.I think I’m stuck in a routine. Where I’m in the same environment, doing the same things. And, it feels like everything will stay the same. I need inspiration. Something to get me off my ass and start exploring ways to do different things that make me happy. What can I do to inspire myself? What can I do to make my life different, mysterious, and interesting? What can I do, to make routine, not so much a routine, but something different? Ask the universe… what can you bring me, everything that I am connected with, to excite me. What is it? I am waiting for it.
And then I started a new journal.
Here I talk about journaling, and how it saved my life. Please watch, and tell me what you think. I recorded it about a year ago, but the message still stands.